The Use of Buzzwords

It doesn’t take long to realize what the presidential candidates are really saying when they use buzzwords and catchphrases. When Obama calls McCain “erratic”, he’s trying to remind you of your grumpy old grandfather who hogs the remote and complains about how hard it is to use your cell phone. When Palin says that Obama “pals around with terrorists” she’s not trying to make you think of Bill Ayers (who is probably the most boring terrorist you’ll ever find) but of terrorists who happen to be foreign (or Muslim). Buzzwords are the key to victory because they tell the public everything they need to know, without that “responsibility” albatross around your neck.

The ultimate buzzword/insult you could ever use against an opponent is “liberal”. It instantly brings to mind hippies in tie-dye shirts while also evoking images of caviar-eating French-lovers. Take a look at every Alabama political ad being run this season. Judge so-and-so and his LIBERAL friends want to let the criminals loose in your neighborhood. Judge this-and-that is a LIBERAL who loves giving convicts tax breaks and free foot massages.

It’s the ultimate passive-aggressive behavior. In the halls of a university if someone called you an intellectual elitist, you’d probably invite them up to your ivory tower and read them some passages out of your rare book collection. But if you’re running for public office, it’s an injury comparable to Liu Kang’s bicycle kick.

As someone who considers himself an intellectual elitist, if I ever ran for public office, I would definitely throw all my books away. Right in the garbage. They’d only hinder me at that point in my life. Book-on-tape, however, would be acceptable. It’s like radio without the advertisements.
I would also choose a sports team to root for. Any team will work, except for the Washington Nationals. That’s just labeling yourself as a Washington insider. Go for a team that sounds American. Like the Eagles or the Patriots. Is there a team called the Old Glories? I’m not really sure because I don’t watch sports. I just spend all my time reading T.S. Eliot and Georges Bataille.

Also, I think Sarah Palin gave the right answer when she was asked what newspaper she read by Katie Couric. “All of ‘em” . Good choice. Say that you read papers so everyone knows you’re not illiterate, but keep it ambiguous enough so no one actually believes that you really read newspapers, or other communist periodicals. And to believe people say she’s unseasoned.

If you want to paint you’re opponent as an elitist (and he has a big “D” in front of his name), there’s nothing more useful that Google Images. If you can somehow find an image of your opponent drinking champagne, preferably in a limo, then you have the election won.