How Obama Won

History was made. A democrat from above the Mason-Dixon line was able to win the presidency decisively. We could say that he and his message connected to people. We could say that people really wanted change.

Or we could make gross generalizations.

I'm here to do the latter.


What the McCain campaign didn't realize is that identity politics don't always help Republicans. The Southern Strategy that was the guidebook for the party since Nixon is quickly fading.

Some people will tell you Obama won because he's black. Misleading. Obama won because the McCain campaign turned him into everything.

Have your candidate your way, with pickles or socialism.

A master politician can be everything to everybody. And that's what Obama was able to reflect during the campaign, with the McCain/Palin team's help of course.

But let's take a look at this voting bloc by voting bloc.

Obama easily wins the votes of most Democrats. Easy. He's the most energizing Democratic candidate since JFK.

He also got the black vote. Important, but there's still a lot of overlap between those two blocs.

But McCain actually helped to push Obama over 50%.

Muslims. Yes, this is a key demographic in America. Anyone who listens to AM radio late at night knows that the Muslims are taking over the country. Don't be surprised if you find your disgusting American hot dogs wrapped in pita bread during your baseball games.

Conservatives thought that spreading the word of Barack's Islami-ness would hurt his chances of being president. Boy, were they wrong. Muslims lined right up in the voting booths to vote for the first Arab president.

This guy looks like an Obama voter. Doesn't he? U-S-A! U-S-A!

Think Jeremiah Wright was detrimental? Nope. Exit polls that I found in the trashcan outside of CNN show that radical Christians voted for yet another of their brethren for president (after Bush II and Reagan). Does anyone know who Huckabee voted for?

This guy loved what Obama was saying about education.

But even more surprisingly, the never-courted socialist voting bloc voted for the first openly socialist candidate running for president (behind closet socialist Bush II).
This guy might as well have voted for Obama.

Just goes to show how being a Islamic-Christian Trotskyist can help on the national stage.

But we're forgetting one major voting bloc. This rarely mentioned yet often coveted. the pervert vote. Usually, pervs don't vote. They're usually roaming around in their vans or staring through holes in walls. But the economy's in shambles, so a perv's gotta get involved.

So what swayed their votes? When the McCain campaign put out the fact that Obama wanted to teach elementary school kids sex education, the collective perv bloc's eyes lit up...and then they all gave a creepy smile...while drinking large glasses of milk in their underwear.



This guy tried to vote for Obama but was imitadated by police at the polls.





(All photos in public domain.)

Why Prop 8 Makes It Awesome to Be Alive

Many see California's Proposition 8 banning gay marriage as a referendum that takes many people's rights away. Maybe that's true, but it also bestows a brand new right on the people of the country.

The right to outlaw actions that you don't like without any rational reason or compassion for others.

Don't you understand the things we can do now with this new right?

The control of others we can exercise?

I don't like hot dogs. In fact, I despise hot dogs and most other types of processed meats.

I used to have to console myself by just not eating hot dogs. By trying to ignore the masses who love the low-class delicacy. I won't even go to baseball games anymore. It always pissed me off that other people still ate hot dogs. Don't they understand that someone else enjoying that disgusting food shakes me down to my core? These hot dog eating heathens make me sick.

So anyway, now, instead of abstaining from hot dogs myself, I can just get the ingestion of hot dogs outlawed. And what makes it really great is that I don't need any REAL credible reason.

Gays have learned their lesson of doing things that others don't like. Hot dog heathens? You're next.

That's conservative small government theory for you. I love this new world where you can pick and choose what you want other people to be able to do. Its a brand new day, America. Look forward to anti-hot dog legislation, along with the banning of the color green ( its way too bright for my tastes).

Also, earlier today I stubbed my big toe on a wastebasket. There oughta be a law!!!

The Laugher Curve and the Coop Bubble

Expanding my love of puns, I decided to write about trickle-down economics. A controversial policy to some, but if you really get down to the nitty-gritty of the facts, I think you'll realize that its the only tax policy that makes sense.

The easiest and most accurate way to see if a theory has any merit is to simplify it. Debase it until it can be understood by the lowest-common denominator of society, i.e. swing voters.

You own a farm. A horse farm. But you don't only like horses, you're also big into birds so you have sparrows. So you decide to feed them oats. Trickle-down economics says that instead of trying to feed both types of animals like normal. You should feed the horse all the oats.

As a horse-breeder, I know a thing or two about horses. They're mean-spirited and they loooove oats. So the horse digs into the oats, savoring it, chomping away with those buck-toothed jaws. But the horse doesn't have hands. Why? Because God designed them intelligently. So the horse has to use his mouth and inevitably he drops some oats. The sparrow can now eat the oats and he does.

The more oats you feed the horse, the more oats that are dropped, the more oats the sparrow can eat. You could almost say that the oats trickle from the horse's mouth to the sparrow's.

Now I know what you're thinking. Why not just feed the sparrow and horse separately? Well, that's a dumb question. Obviously, the horse needs more oats because it works harder and the sparrow is lazy and relying on welfare. So why should the horse give his well-earned oats to the lazy sparrow who just sits on his butt all day scratching around?

If the sparrow would do something with his life that was useful (like being a horse) then he could have his fair share of oats. What? No, it doesn't matter that you wouldn't have enough stables to hold the sparrow if he became a horse. Damn, the sparrow should be happy he has the opportunity to even eat oats. Why can't he buy his own oats and not depend on government entities like the oat bag.

So what if the horse benefits from the sparrow's grooming of his back? The horse don't owe the sparrow nothing. And neither does the farmer or the oat bag. That'd be socialism.

Wait, maybe the metaphor doesn't fit. Ok, say the sparrow and the horse were born as a sparrow and a horse. But then they had to fight each other, and the winner got to be the horse for the following day. Yeah, now the sparrow has no excuse. He's had his chance to be a horse. All he has to do is beat the horse in a fight. That's competition, right there. The free market wins again.

What? That's fairness. Oh don't give me that hippy liberal guff about barrier to entry for the sparrow. You guys always use that. No one even knows what that means. At least, I don't.

Let's change it around again. This time the animals can sell their oats to buy things. The horse can spend a portion of his oats on useful things like an apple or a pear. Those are called commodities.

But the dumb sparrow spends his money on trivial things like buying a sparrow coop. But he can't pay for it because he doesn't have enough oats yet. So the rat, who harvests oats, pays for the coop and the sparrow pays the rat a monthly oat fee. That's called a mortgage. The rat's a smart banker.

But then the rat tells the sparrow that if he buys a bigger, more pricier coop. then he'll be closer to the horse then all the other sparrows. So the sparrow gives in. But guess who owns the rat? The horse. So that means the horse is getting even more of the sparrow's oats. But uh oh, the sparrow lost his his job at the steel plant so he can't pay for his coop anymore. So then the horse is losing his investment capital. But no worries, the horse owns a few lobbyists. These are cows. The cows go to you, the farmer, for help, in exchange of campaign milk. So you start an oat commission and give the horse more oats. But the horse starts to eat less of the oats because he's afraid of losing his capital. See, capital is oats.

So then the sparrow starts starving and also he's homeless again and has started drinking.

Wait, what was I talking about again?

Do You Swear to Uphold the Constitution? All 900 Parts of it?

In a democratic republic like ours, voting is very important. Without voting, we wouldn't know which president is more likable or who the majority of the country would have a beer with in a hypothetical situation.
Its also important for local governments, like county and state. How else would they get the permission of the people to annex the Parson House into Etowah County or tax the federal mosquito farm. In case you didn't know, the State of Alabama has the longest Constitution in the country and is the largest still-operative constitution in the world. Yeah, that mean's our state constitution has more words that India's. And don't be misled. More words doesn't mean more rights for citizens. Its mostly powergrabs and budgetary hocus pocus.
You smell that? That's what excessive and oppressive bureaucracy smells like. And in one of the most "conservative" states, no less.
Reading the constitution is like trying to read James Joyce's Ulysses through braille. It has 798 amendments, almost all of them dealing with single counties.
Well, its a thrilling read. With twist and turns that can quicken your heartbeat. Like the part where the governing body of Bullock County can raise license taxes for school purposes as listed in sections 176-180 and 182-186.
My favorite section, however, is when Amendment 692, dealing with Bingo Games in Limestone County, skips to Amendment 694, dealing with Madison County's control of the Office of Sheriff's. At first, it confuses you. Then you realize that the state is run by inept bureaucrats who have a hard time organizing the constitution effectively or, as it turns out, numerically. Also, the racist stuff is priceless.
But yeah, its probably the liberals' fault the state isn't run efficiently. God knows they've had a stranglehold on Alabama for the past twenty years.

The Use of Buzzwords

It doesn’t take long to realize what the presidential candidates are really saying when they use buzzwords and catchphrases. When Obama calls McCain “erratic”, he’s trying to remind you of your grumpy old grandfather who hogs the remote and complains about how hard it is to use your cell phone. When Palin says that Obama “pals around with terrorists” she’s not trying to make you think of Bill Ayers (who is probably the most boring terrorist you’ll ever find) but of terrorists who happen to be foreign (or Muslim). Buzzwords are the key to victory because they tell the public everything they need to know, without that “responsibility” albatross around your neck.

The ultimate buzzword/insult you could ever use against an opponent is “liberal”. It instantly brings to mind hippies in tie-dye shirts while also evoking images of caviar-eating French-lovers. Take a look at every Alabama political ad being run this season. Judge so-and-so and his LIBERAL friends want to let the criminals loose in your neighborhood. Judge this-and-that is a LIBERAL who loves giving convicts tax breaks and free foot massages.

It’s the ultimate passive-aggressive behavior. In the halls of a university if someone called you an intellectual elitist, you’d probably invite them up to your ivory tower and read them some passages out of your rare book collection. But if you’re running for public office, it’s an injury comparable to Liu Kang’s bicycle kick.

As someone who considers himself an intellectual elitist, if I ever ran for public office, I would definitely throw all my books away. Right in the garbage. They’d only hinder me at that point in my life. Book-on-tape, however, would be acceptable. It’s like radio without the advertisements.
I would also choose a sports team to root for. Any team will work, except for the Washington Nationals. That’s just labeling yourself as a Washington insider. Go for a team that sounds American. Like the Eagles or the Patriots. Is there a team called the Old Glories? I’m not really sure because I don’t watch sports. I just spend all my time reading T.S. Eliot and Georges Bataille.

Also, I think Sarah Palin gave the right answer when she was asked what newspaper she read by Katie Couric. “All of ‘em” . Good choice. Say that you read papers so everyone knows you’re not illiterate, but keep it ambiguous enough so no one actually believes that you really read newspapers, or other communist periodicals. And to believe people say she’s unseasoned.

If you want to paint you’re opponent as an elitist (and he has a big “D” in front of his name), there’s nothing more useful that Google Images. If you can somehow find an image of your opponent drinking champagne, preferably in a limo, then you have the election won.